The AAMFT Blog

How Therapy Benefits You

Therapy provides an opportunity for each of us to explore and understand the complexities that make our lives challenging. Life itself can be unpredictable, change is inevitable, and each change—small, medium, or large—requires us to adapt. The by-products of change can manifest themselves in ways that feel unpleasant. We may find ourselves worrying excessively, perhaps to the point of missing an important deadline at work, for example. This is where therapy can be most helpful. A skilled professional, such as a marriage and family therapist, can facilitate positive change. Having a safe place to explore difficult feelings that may keep us from meeting our potential and reconnecting with joy can only be of benefit to ourselves, as well as to our relationships. Here are some insights from marriage and family therapists on how therapy can benefit you. 

Our thoughts are a product of our experiences, of years of lessons that become our truth. It can be hard to see outside of those experiences and gain insight into the things that we don't know about ourselves or our situation. Therapy can be greatly beneficial by offering a new perspective or the "Aha!" moment we need to propel us toward a solution that we could have never come up with on our own. Heather Holmgren, MFT, Salt Lake City, UT

Through therapy, we can begin to alleviate the problems in our lives and return to a preferred way of being. During the therapeutic process, we get to know ourselves better and can also gain insight into how we engage in our relationships. This self-understanding helps to build resiliency so that we can cope more effectively with difficulties in our lives, stay connected in the relationships we value, and know when to seek help in the future. Therapy can provide healing, insight, and simply a space to ask questions and seek out answers from a trained professional. Eugene Hall, LAMFT, Minneapolis, MN

One benefit of therapy is prevention. Often our society sees therapy as a last-ditch effort before divorce. Rather than waiting until your relationship is on its last legs, you can come into therapy around different life transitions. Before getting married, before having a new baby, and before your children leave your household and you plan to retire are all great times to come into therapy. These life transitions often come with a lot of stress. Coming into therapy to get ahead of the game is a great way to develop some tools for the upcoming transition. Angela Skurtu, M.Ed. LMFT, St. Louis, MO

If you know that it is time to seek therapy, we can help. Marriage and family therapists (MFTs) are trained in psychotherapy and family systems, and licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems. The unique feature you will find during treatment with an MFT is the therapist will focus on understanding your symptoms and diagnoses within interactions and relationships. The existing environment and context is given careful examination paying particular attention to the family system – as defined by you. MFTs treat predominantly individuals but always from the perspective that “relationships matter.” Find a therapist here. 

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy represents over 50,000 marriage and family therapists worldwide. 

Related articles

How Do You Know It’s Time to See A Therapist?

How Marriage and Family Therapists are Different Than Other Mental Health Professionals

How Do You Know It’s Time to See A Therapist?

There are many misconceptions about therapy and—let’s face it— asking for help can be difficult, especially when it comes to matters of mental health. We may ignore or suppress negative feelings to maintain an image of being able to handle our problems. Or we may believe that our difficulties are not that serious compared to those of others. Often that is why we put off seeking help and why, for most, it can be hard to know when it’s time to see a therapist. Here are some insights from marriage and family therapists on when to reach out for help. 

Sometimes our best efforts to resolve a problem leave us feeling confused, hopeless, frustrated and asking, "Why does this keep happening to me?" This is a great time to consider seeing a therapist. Another great time to seek professional help? Usually when a friend or family member suggests it (if you believe generally that the person has your best interests at heart). We can become so tangled in our own life that we forget to pay attention to our mental health needs, and sometimes others notice first. Heather Holmgren, MFT, Salt Lake City, UT

We are constantly responding to problems that show up in our lives (problems at work, relationship difficulties, mounting pressures) and are often able to work through or alleviate the influence of these problems by ourselves or with the help of friends and family. However, especially in times of greater vulnerability (compounding stressors, after a loss, major life transitions), even little problems can start to show up more often and at times when we do not want them to. Whatever the problems may be, when they interfere in your daily life (influencing your thoughts, emotions & behaviors) and potentially disrupt your relationships (partner, family, friends, coworkers) then seeking out a therapist might be an important step in returning to life as you want it to be. Eugene Hall, LAMFT, Minneapolis, MN

When you and your partner become gridlocked on an issue. Many couples have issues to deal with in their relationship. Some issues that never get resolved. It's how a couple handles this that can really make or break a relationship. If a couple is in gridlock, essentially the problem comes up often and they each get defensive about it. It becomes a devastating elephant in the room. They never find a resolution or even a happy middle ground for how tolerate the issue better. If you and your partner are gridlocked on an issue, it is good to seek some help from an outside party.

You can also come in to therapy for preventive matters. Before getting married or before having a baby is a great time to come into therapy for a relationship checkup and to explore different issues that are likely to arise as a part of the transition. I have noticed that couples that spend time exploring potential issues tend to make transitions better. Come into therapy to talk about what it will be like as a new parent. What challenges do couples face with a new baby? How will our sex life change after baby? What will be our plan for discipline and teaching our child new behaviors? etc. Angela Skurtu, M.Ed. LMFT, St. Louis, MO

If you know that it is time to seek therapy, we can help. Marriage and family therapists (MFTs) are trained in psychotherapy and family systems, and licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems. The unique feature you will find during treatment with an MFT is the therapist will focus on understanding your symptoms and diagnoses within interactions and relationships. The existing environment and context is given careful examination paying particular attention to the family system – as defined by you. MFTs treat predominantly individuals but always from the perspective that “relationships matter.” Find a therapist here. 

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy represents over 50,000 marriage and family therapists worldwide. 

 

Polyamory and Kink Relationships

More and more, clinicians are seeing couples who fall outside of the traditional roles when it comes to relationships. Two examples of relationships I see popping up more includes couples who are polyamorous and couples who live kink lifestyles. As clinicians, it is important that we be helpful to couples in all walks of life with various backgrounds, beliefs, and lifestyles. However, it can be confusing to know when and how best to intervene, especially if you are not familiar with the lifestyle approach.

What is polyamory? Essentially, polyamory is when a couple believes they can have multiple loves for a variety of people. These relationships are meant to be completely consensual for all parties involved. Polyamorous couples can organize in a variety of ways. Some have a primary couple, and then have extra relationships on the side such as one night stands or even boyfriends/girlfriends. Other polyamorous couples try to hold each relationship as equal and will organize into triads or even groups of two couples living together.

What is a kink lifestyle? A kink is most directly defined as a bend from a straight line. If you are thinking about sexuality, a kink lifestyle would be a bend or difference from a typical vanilla relationship. Usually people accept making out, massage or heavy petting, oral sex and penetrative sex as vanilla in terms of sexual style. A kink lifestyle could include any sexual life choice that falls outside this definition. There are different levels to the kink lifestyle. Some couples enjoy trying new sexy things here and there. At a more advanced level, there are couples who get very into doing kinky things and even go to classes or public events in which they can engage in their specific kinks. Some couples go beyond this and enjoy kink in their day to day lives.

How is polyamory different from living a kink lifestyle? One does not equal the other. There are polyamorous individuals who are relatively vanilla in the kinds of sexual acts they enjoy. There are kinky individuals that are monogamous and there are kinky individuals who have multiple partners.

If you are interested in learning more about how you as a clinician can better serve kink and polyamorous clients, please join my webinar on March 10 from 3-4:30pm Eastern where I will cover basic information about these lifestyles, a model for sexual ethics that expands across sexual lifestyles, and helpful strategies for working with clients in these lifestyles. This will be offered using a sex positive approach.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist in St. Louis, MO. You can visit her website at www.TherapistinStLouis.com for more information or to follow her video and podcasting blogs on sexual and relationship health. You can also follow her on https://www.facebook.com/MarriageFamilyTherapy/

The Holidays are Coming…The Holidays are Here! MFT Thoughts on Managing the Financial Stress of the Season

The Pressures of Holiday Spending

The holiday season is swiftly setting upon us. For many of us, this provokes anxiety as demands on our time, energy, and finances escalate. The reciprocity between give-and-take is put to the test this time of year. For some, the act of giving presents is a love language and the joy they get from it is reward enough. But for an unsuspecting recipient, this can cause tremendous pressure to reciprocate. When someone receives an unexpected gift, he or she may feel obligated to return the gesture, subsequently extending his or her pocketbook.  And the stress of finding "the right present" can be daunting, diminishing the joy of the experience. In any event, it almost always—but not always!—takes money to participate in these rituals.

For better or for worse, we live in a consumer-centered culture with easy access to credit. Many of us will blindly put a purchase on credit and worry about it later. Unlike older generations who grew up on the concept of a layaway, it seems we can have whatever we want now.  In this age of immediate access to merchandise, it is easier than ever to engage in frivolous spending. The outcome of such spending has a similar feeling to buyer’s remorse.  In other words, we feel guilty when we realize that we may have blurred the line between needs and wants.

While it is pleasant to give and receive presents, it can easily create a drain on our bank account that may take us months to pay off. In addition to the stress of family politics and the complex emotions that surround the holidays, we may also find ourselves hundreds or even thousands of dollars in debt.  The hangover effect of overspending hardly seems worth it.

As MFT's, we know that relationships are a core part of our well-being and that the health of our relationships is connected to how well we care for ourselves. When we engage in healthy practices, our partners, children, friends, and family benefit. Taking care of our finances is one of many healthy practices. If the holiday season is going to throw you into debt that takes months to reconcile, don't do it!

Here are some suggestions for managing the financial stress of the season.

Set a Budget: Take a closer look at your income and expenses. Use a piece of paper, word document, or excel spreadsheet and set a budget based on what you are comfortable spending. Examine your fixed expenses­ —rent, food, electricity, heat, and transportation – first. Now, look at what is left for holiday spending. If your budget isn't as large as you had hoped, consider how you can cut spending and, if desired, think of ways to build additional savings for next year. Keep in mind that you need to be comfortable with how much or how little you spend during the holidays.

Make a List and Stick to it! Make a list of the people you want to give presents to, as well as the social events you would like to attend. For some, the social aspect of the season adds to their financial stress. While it can be hard to say no, it is perfectly reasonable to set limits on what you can and cannot do during the holidays. If someone unexpectedly gives you something, be gracious and say thank you. If you feel guilty because you didn't get that person a gift, ask yourself "why" you feel that way? Remember that we don't all have to do the same thing in order to care about someone.

Engage in Mindful Spending: Think about the meaning of the gift you are buying. In most cases, there is such a rush to get things done that we spend without thinking about the usefulness of what we are buying.  Sometimes, the smallest and least expensive gift can be the most meaningful. For example, offering childcare to a friend who needs a night out is of great value without spending money to do it.

Use Cash: Another way to engage in mindful spending is by using cash. When we pay for something in cash, we are more likely to stop and think about the purchase we are making. It also reduces the risk of overspending when seduced by the various items that bombard us in the checkout line.

DIY Projects: If money is tight this year, consider do it yourself gifts. Baked goods are thoughtful and likely to be well-received.  This is an opportunity to be creative. Make an ornament; use photos you have in a picture frame you painted. For those that love to knit or crochet, making a cozy scarf or hat is another way to give on a budget.

Give Within Your Means: At the end of the day, you are the one who is left paying the bills of the season. Just as one is more likely to save money by adopting a live-within-your-means approach to life, giving within your means will help you manage the financial stress that comes with the holiday season.

Vanessa Bradden, LMFT is a staff member at AAMFT, collaborating with the Communications Department as a product development specialist. She has a private practice in Chicago and is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor. Vanessa’s clinical interests and expertise include working with individuals and couples coping with perinatal mood disorders, pregnancy loss as well as grief and other losses.

Thanksgiving and Family Health

Did you know that Thanksgiving is National Family Health History Day?

This may well be an opportune moment to create something to be thankful for. Consistent with its familial and historical meaning, the Surgeon General has designated Thanksgiving Day as a day to think about health-promoting practices in the context of one’s whole family—past, present, and future. This health initiative began as a way to help focus attention on the importance of family health history. The purpose of the campaign is to raise awareness and encourage dialogue among family members about the specifics of their health background.

As marriage and family therapists, much of our work is informed by thinking of our broader context. We know that assessing family history and relational patterns is necessary for effective treatment and positive outcomes. The more we know about a client’s story, the better we can educate her or him about risk factors for challenges such as depression and anxiety. If a client presents with family precedents of depression, we know that he or she is at a higher risk for developing the condition. By knowing the client’s background, we can educate and validate a client who feels depressed, preventing symptoms from deteriorating.

For a long time, health care professionals have known that common diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, and cancer have a familial link. In the case of high blood pressure, for example, if one generation has it, the next generation is likely to have a similar condition. As in the case of our family mental health history, knowing the physiological illnesses experienced by our predecessors can help your doctor predict risk factors that may affect you and your family. In turn, the more information given to your healthcare provider, the better he or she can take the appropriate action to ensure better health for you and your family.

Interestingly, while we all tend to realize that family history is important to good health, we are often vague or hesitant about gathering this much-needed data. A recent survey conducted by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that only one-third of Americans have attempted to gather and document their family health history.  This is staggeringly low given the known benefit of having your family data readily available. It invites the question: what keeps us from gathering this precious information?

The brief answer may be that it is hard to talk about conditions that may have brought great sorrow to your family. If a family member was lost to cancer, it may be hard to ask questions that could trigger a grief response. Similarly, if there is a family history of alcohol and drug abuse, direct lines of communication will be hard to access. Whatever the reason, when we avoid this kind of self-diagnosis, we are denying ourselves a unique benefit. By being prepared and planning, we can prevent or mitigate difficulties down the road. To help us overcome the psychological barrier to portraying our family history, it might be helpful to remember that it is just as unpleasant to craft our will and yet we know that the benefit of peace of mind is worth some discomfort.

When you bring up the topic this Thursday, you need not do so in an obtrusive or cheerless way. Express congenially your interest in the different generations that make up your family. In fact, it may be in the spirit of the original Thanksgiving Proclamation to set apart and observe some time during your celebratory gathering to get to know your family health history. Supported by this new-found context, you can take healthy living steps, including strategies for better mental health. Sharing the information you have found with your doctor is the next practical step, but you also stand to gain from the enhanced closeness with your family. 

Vanessa Bradden, LMFT is a staff member at AAMFT, collaborating with the Communications Department as a product development specialist. She has a private practice in Chicago and is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor. Vanessa’s clinical interests and expertise include working with individuals and couples coping with perinatal mood disorders, pregnancy loss as well as grief and other losses.

Connect with Your Children this Summer

By Dr. Carolyn Greene, VA Mental Health Services

With school out and warm weather, summertime can be a great time for kids; but it can be anything but a vacation for parents. It can be stressful having your kids home more, balancing your schedules and keeping the entire family happy – and entertained.

The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) developed Parenting for Service Members and Veterans (Parenting) help parents reconnect with their children and strengthen their families. While Parenting is useful and applicable all year, use the extra time your kids have during the summer as a time to (re) connect. Parenting offers tools and resources for parents with children of all ages – from newborns to teenagers.

Parenting is one of three courses in the VA Online Self-Help Resource Center. All courses are completely confidential, free and available online 24/7. No log in and no registration required. You can take the course at the pace and place of your choosing.

This course is different from other self-help resources because it focuses on the parents’ needs, not just on those of the children. Parenting has several modules and you can choose what interests you and/or what is relevant. Modules feature practical advice and interactive multi-media, including:

• Videos of real military families discussing their challenges and how they overcame them
• Quizzes to better understand your parenting style
• Tools to help you improve your work-life balance
• Information on the specific behaviors and emotions children display at different ages
• How to incorporate much-needed “me-time” into your day

The Resource Center also features Anger & Irritability Management Skills and Moving Forward, courses that teach ways to reduce stress and anger and solve problems to help you overcome challenging situations.

Enjoy summer and make the most of your time with your family; visit www.veterantraining.va.gov/parenting/

Crisis Resources

When tragedies occur, even if we are not directly affected, there is a systemic impact that can affect anyone. Many of our members have shared that speaking with their clients in recent days, they have found they are struggling with processing Sunday’s shooting at Pulse nightclub or explaining the news of recent weeks to their children. The resources below have been created by member MFTs or compiled by AAMFT to help support this process.

Tips for Parenting During Times of Crisis

• Model calm and control. Reassure children that they are safe and so are the other important adults in their lives.
• Make time to talk with your children about crisis events. Take some time and determine what you wish to say. This is especially true since new information will unfold each day. Provide brief, accurate, and age appropriate information. Don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy, particularly with young children.
• Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate. Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that their lives will not change. Upper elementary school children will be more vocal in asking questions about their safety and what is being done. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy.
• Understand what your child is asking. Difficult questions that children ask may be spurred by curiosity or feelings. Rather than plunging into an immediate answer, learn what motivates the question. Ask, “What made you think of that?” or “What ideas do you have?” Once the meaning of a question is known, it is easier to answer effectively.
feelings.
• There may be questions we cannot answer. Rather than invent a response, it is more helpful to say “I don’t know,” or “I’ll try to find out.”
• Acknowledge, validate, and accept your child’s feelings. He or she may be feeling confused, frightened, or even excited. Listen calmly and reassuringly as they express their thoughts and feelings.
• Limit the amount of your child’s television viewing of these events. If they must watch, watch with them for a brief time; then turn the set off. Young children should not be allowed to watch tv coverage of the event, as they are too young to process what they are seeing and hearing.
• Maintain a “normal” routine. To the extent possible stick to your family’s normal routine for dinner, homework, chores, bedtime, etc. Children feel secure when routines are calmly followed.
• Spend extra time reading or playing quiet games with your children before bed without the television or news radio on. These activities are calming, foster a sense of closeness and security, and reinforce a sense of normalcy.

Many MFTs in the Orlando area are volunteering free services to those in the community who are struggling. To find a therapist, you can utilize our directory here: Find a Therapist. Additionally, these services are available: 

• Free services in the Orlando area including counseling for the LGBTQ and Latinx community
• The Center, serving the LGBTQ community, is open and offering grief counseling in English and Spanish. It is located at 945 N. Mills Ave. in Orlando. You also can call its hotline at 407-228-1446 or text your zip code to 898-211 to connect
• The Heart of Florida United Way 24-7 crisis line: 2-1-1
• Victim Service Center of Central Florida hotline: 407-497-6701
• UCF students can receive free counseling on campus at Counseling and Psychological Services from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Contact the office at 407-823-2811.

Past Family Therapy Magazine articles of interest:

• Spinning Fear
• Fear and the Family
• The Neuroscience of Fear
• Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First- Self Care when Working with the Traumatized 

MFTs in Schools

Schools are where children spend the majority of their time outside of the home. Schools are also the only place where some children have access to services that promote and maintain health. Educational systems are making increasing use of mental health services to support academic achievement. Early intervention by collaborative health teams is aimed at preventing problems that can escalate into behavior dyscontrol and violence.

In recent years, schools have begun to employ system-wide programs and services to improve school climate and address the social and emotional variables that are precursors to learning. It is an auspicious time for systems-trained marriage and family therapists to join school teams. As the MFT profession matures and obtains such specialized credentials as school certification along with licensure, clinicians need to understand the culture of school systems and multidisciplinary teams in order to practice effectively on in schools.

MFTs who practice and/or consult to schools need to appreciate the unique culture of school systems and our initial “guest” role in order to engage comprehensively. We also need to appreciate the history of special education in America schools, as well as the more recent systemic initiatives such as Response to Intervention, Multitiered Systems of Support, and Positive Behavioral Intervention and Support, in order to have a fuller appreciation of the shift from linear to systemic thinking in education. 

Such orientation is necessary in order to appreciate how timely school certification for MFTs is and how relevant MFTs are to school teams. The profession of marriage and family therapy has a strong multidisciplinary history, and we are in a unique need position to appreciate the “necessary redundancies” that all mental health professionals share, as well as the singular contributions of each profession. Multidisciplinary collaboration is necessary in order to navigate the health and educational needs of all students, as well as to advocate collectively for the health needs of students and their families in in education.

Childhood trauma can profoundly affect a child’s readiness to learn, although the effects may be difficult to observe. “Squeaky wheels” most often get the grease, and often children who struggle with numbing violence at home or in their communities may experience more “invisible” symptoms of anxiety and depression that are not readily observed in an educational setting. Mental health teams who can screen and advocate for students with trauma histories can help prevent undue strife and possible violence later. 

Health care systems across the U.S. are beginning to develop a Medical Home framework, where patient and family-centered mental health services are provided in primary care settings. Likewise, health care teams in schools can provide an Educational Home in schools to promote the health and resilience of all students, particularly those in need of special services to help them achieve.

Join Kathleen for a three-part webinar series on MFTs in Schools. Learn more and register here.

Kathleen Laundy, PsyD, LMFT, MSW, is a Past President of the Connecticut Division of AAMFT and she helped pass the first legislation certifying MFTs for school-based practice in the U.S. in 2007. She is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor and Trainer, and she is on the clinical faculty of Central Connecticut State University, where she teaches preparatory courses for school certification. She is the author of Building School-Based Collaborative Mental Health Teams:  A Systems Approach to Student Achievement.

Rabbit/Duck Season

 

The "rabbit season/duck season" argument occurs often among couples. They go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, usually with someone getting "blown up." This ping pong match features lots of conflict which goes nowhere.  Just like rabbit and duck season, nothing is solved, there is no resolution of the conflict, and there are no negotiations. Things just go boom!

What is the cost of that boom? More conflict, less communication, holding grudges and resentment, less intimacy, and further distance between partners— a loud boom indeed for a relationship. The ironic part of this conflict is that many of the topics in the argument are pretty worthless. It is conflict for the sake of conflict and conflict in order to win. Please pause from reading this and think about the last five fights that you and your partner have had...

How many of these involved “big ticket items”— addiction, mental illness, infidelity, domestic violence?

How many of these involved a misunderstanding/misperception of who was going to do what /when?

If you have big ticket item fights you should be attending regular couples and individual therapy – Schedule that now.

If you are having the “rabbit season/ duck season” fights—explain to YOURSELF why you are doing this. Please do not rationalize, justify and blame your partner for HIS/HER actions.  Please ask yourself……Why am I doing this? What is MY part in the fight? What is MY ISSUE that keeps coming up? Why do I want to engage in this conflict? Do you want to know? (Do you need to know?)

YOU have the power to change YOUR behavior! If you do that, you can change the relationship! If you change one part of a relationship, that changes other parts of the relationship -- a lengthy conversation for another time.

At this point, you may be feeling defensive and wondering why YOU have to do all the work? What about your partner? Shouldn’t s/he be doing some of this SELF examination? You may want your partner to do this, but is your partner open to this inquiry? If s/he is willing, communicate your desire for him/her to change in a loving, soft, gentle way. No need for another boom. If your partner is not open to change, then you have two choices— keep having booms over small ticket items or change YOURSELF. Start with the questions from the previous paragraph. Identify that issue. Work on making it better. Since you are looking at yourself, ask the hard question— is there any truth to what my partner is saying about me? If I’m accused of being loud and obnoxious and insensitive, is there truth in that? If so, how can I change that? Can I be warmer, more caring, and more empathetic? Can I be a better listener? Do I have to win every round of every fight? (You don’t.)

If you work on changing yourself, then something magical is going to happen— you will feel better. You will feel better about the world, you will feel better about your partner, and you will feel better about the relationship. You will see how worthless the "rabbit season/duck season” argument is and how it is much better to appreciate the positives that your partner brings to the table, not his/her deficiencies. You can also acknowledge those positives, and validate his/her behaviors that you appreciate (instead of criticizing your partner repeatedly).

What do you have to lose? Many pointless hours of frustration, stress, agitation.

What do you have to gain?  Peace, change and love.

Seems like a simple decision.

Change is possible.

 

Jeffrey M. Brandler, EdS, CAS, SAP, has been in private practice for individuals, couples, and families in Mountain Lakes, NJ, for 31 years. He is a requested speaker and trainer for industry, schools, and self-help groups. He is the chapter advisor for the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) in Morristown NJ, and has been published on several occasions for the NJ chapter of the AAMFT. Visit his website at www.changeispossible.org. 

Forgiveness: The Benefits of Letting Go

As a marriage and family therapist, I have worked with various presentations of injured relationships (often related to infidelity) and the most productive and positive results come with forgiveness. When anger and bitterness are directed toward anyone, including ourselves, the result fuels further vulnerability. Infidelity, for example, injures the foundation of relationships, leaving both parties with a difficult choice—hold on to negative feelings or let go and move forward. In my work, I often talk about forgiveness, and while it is easy for me to talk about it, putting it into action can be, and often is, challenging for clients trying to cope with an emotional injury.   

Nearly everyone has been on the receiving end of a comment or action that is hurtful. Maybe your spouse had an affair or your best friend lied to you, intending to “protect you.” When we feel betrayed by someone we trust and love, it can be excruciatingly difficult to understand how that person hurt us, intentionally or not. And there is a host of negative emotions that keep us imprisoned in our anger or sadness, unless we forgive and move forward. Forgiveness shares a border with betrayal and is necessary for us to heal.

Human forgiveness may be understood as the act of letting go of negative emotions, and the challenge for most, if not all of us, is how to do that.  It can be difficult to find compassion for someone who has wronged us in some way; depending on the offence, it can be nearly impossible. There are shades of grey when it comes to forgiving, yet succeeding in doing so brings great benefits to the sufferer.

Why is it so important to practice forgiveness, or at the very least, engage in its possibilities?  Engaging in forgiveness frees us from the toxic emotions that accompany grudges and bitterness. In fact, it is in our own interest—our happiness and inner peace—that we forgive. Holding an intense grudge mimics the notion that “resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it.” We end up hurting ourselves when we don’t practice forgiveness. And yet, we walk a fine line between being oblivious to the infraction that caused us pain and stewing in resentment.

While it is clear that forgiveness yields benefits, making peace with actions or events that feel unfair is hard work! It requires self-awareness and understanding of our own need for forgiveness, without hubris. Has the sufferer never intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone else? One needs to access difficult and painful emotions that often resemble grief. The injured party has to look deep inside and ask how productive it will be to hold onto their anger and possible vengeance for the wrongdoer. It becomes a tug of war between intellect and emotion. Logic says let go, while the emotional self wants to even the score somehow.

Forgiveness, like grief, is a process. The initial discovery that someone we love hurt us or has been taken from us in some unjust way is met with shock—protecting us from plunging into despair.  And as it lifts, we move through stages of denial, anger, depression—vacillating between them —until we finally reach acceptance. Just as grief is a process that changes us in ways we never imagined, forgiveness is transformative and freeing in ways that release us from our suffering.

The benefits of forgiveness often outweigh the consequences of nursing the sentiment of being wronged or attempting forms of revenge.  As systemic therapists, one can easily connect forgiveness to relationships, and when we are able to forgive ­—ourselves and/or others— the outcomes are positive for everyone. Forgiveness can lead to benefits such as:

• healthier relationships
• increased self-awareness and self-esteem
• reduced anxiety, stress, and hostility
• greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• improved heart health and lower blood pressure
• fewer symptoms of depression

When we are able to have compassion for the humanness we all possess, we are able to engage in forgiveness. Be patient and kind to yourself along the way. As with anything that requires great strength and tenacity, it takes time and some days will be harder than others.

Vanessa Bradden, LMFT is a staff member at AAMFT, collaborating with the Communications Department as a product development specialist. She has a private practice in Chicago and is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor. Vanessa’s clinical interests and expertise include working with individuals and couples coping with perinatal mood disorders, pregnancy loss as well as grief and other losses.