Written by: Vanessa Bradden, LMFT
Strengthening family connections during the holiday season and in trying times is essential. Yet, it can become complicated by the pressures of gift buying, election results, and goals for the new year. Additionally, we may be coping with the loss of a loved one or loved ones and other significant life pressures like the loss of a marriage or a job. For many of us, this can cause great distress, made worse by the prospect of having to attend various holiday parties and family gatherings.
While these difficulties are real for many, hope is not lost if we take the time to understand ourselves better and the limitations of being human. As marriage and family therapists, we know that it is possible to overcome some of our stress and build better familial relationships (even if only small gains are made) by using Family Systems Theory alongside self-compassion and compassion for others. This approach helps us better understand our relationships and offers stress management tools. By focusing on kindness to ourselves and others, we can create a supportive environment for everyone during challenging moments.
Family Systems Theory is the foundation of the Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) profession. When applied correctly, it becomes a valuable tool for therapists and clients, aiding in self-understanding, particularly during stressful situations. By utilizing systems theory, clients can develop a broader sense of compassion for themselves and others. Compassion not only fosters empathy but also encourages positivity toward those around us. Ultimately, it helps us manage the tension and anxiety often accompanying the holiday season.
Let's be honest: holidays can evoke many emotions, especially regarding our family of origin. Regardless of the complexities within your family tree—ranging from playful banter to deep-seated emotional wounds—everyone has triggers that can be activated by family members, irrespective of age or stage in life. Family gatherings can cause us to revert to unhealthy behaviors we prefer to avoid. Murray Bowen, a pioneer of family systems theory, aptly notes that families profoundly influence their members' thoughts, feelings, and actions, often making it seem like individuals live under the same "emotional skin." Family members seek each other's attention, approval, and support while reacting to needs, expectations, and upsets.
Our shared emotional history complicates the process of breaking free from established roles and negative patterns learned during childhood, yet it also connects us through shared experiences. So, what does this mean as we approach an already stressful time of year?
One approach to the season's difficulties is to cultivate self-compassion, which, in turn, allows us to have compassion for others. To do so, we need to understand our role within our family of origin, its influences, and how we contribute to its dynamics. For example, suppose you are the eldest sibling who took on a parental role. In that case, you might find it difficult to view your younger siblings as independent adults, which can lead to infantilizing behavior. Conversely, younger siblings may struggle to appreciate your support, resulting in misunderstandings and unnecessary resentment.
Engaging in sensitive discussions within family dynamics can often trigger anxiety, leading to hurt feelings and a pervasive sense of injustice that is hard to resolve. If political concerns dominate your thoughts this year, this may heighten the family's reactive tendencies. However, if we can take a step back and view these dynamics through a lens of compassion for ourselves and others, we are more likely to respond with empathy rather than contempt. At a minimum, it can prevent escalating something unlikely to be resolved. In the best-case scenario, this approach can facilitate personal growth and enhance our relationships,
Self-compassion can be a powerful tool in managing anxiety. If used properly, it will lessen the intensity of negative feelings that can come up when we are with our families over the holidays and beyond.
Here are several ways it helps:
- Reducing Self-Criticism: When feeling anxious, it's common to engage in harsh self-criticism. Practicing self-compassion encourages kindness toward oneself, helping to combat negative self-talk. By treating ourselves with the same understanding we would offer a friend, we can reduce feelings of inadequacy and shame.
- Normalizing Feelings: Self-compassion allows us to recognize that anxiety is a common human experience. When we understand that others also struggle, we break the isolation that anxiety can create. This normalization can lessen our feelings of being alone in our distress.
- Encouraging Mindfulness: Self-compassion involves being present with our feelings without judgment. This Mindfulness helps us acknowledge anxiety without becoming overwhelmed by it. Rather than suppressing or avoiding these feelings, we learn to accept them, which can reduce their intensity.
- Promoting Emotional Resilience: We build resilience when we approach our anxiety with compassion. This resilience allows us to face challenges with greater strength and flexibility rather than feeling defeated by them.
- Enhancing Coping Skills: Self-compassion encourages us to explore helpful coping strategies when faced with anxiety. Instead of resorting to avoidance or negative behaviors, we're more likely to engage in healthy behaviors such as seeking support, practicing relaxation techniques, or pursuing activities that bring joy.
- Fostering a Positive Mindset: Practicing self-compassion can help shift our perspective from fear and anxiety to hope and possibility. This shift can lead to a more optimistic outlook, reducing feelings of helplessness.
- Building Healthy Relationships: When we practice self-compassion, we're often more compassionate toward others, which can strengthen our relationships and create a supportive network, which is vital during anxious times.
In essence, self-compassion provides a powerful antidote to anxiety's harshness. It allows for a gentler, more supportive internal dialogue that fosters healing and growth. By cultivating self-compassion, we can navigate anxious moments with greater ease and grace.
MFTs are uniquely trained to work with family dynamics and are an excellent resource for those struggling with complex familial relationships. AAMFTs therapist locator is a great place to find an LMFT in your area.
Be kind to yourself this holiday season, and remember that everyone has anxious thoughts and feelings, even if we can't see them.