By: Vanessa Bradden
As a therapist, I often discuss the complex issue of people-pleasing behavior with clients and colleagues. While others may initially see it as a positive trait—after all, who would dislike you for agreeing with them? —it comes at a significant personal cost. People-pleasers often mask their needs in their quest to be liked by others, a struggle that can be deeply challenging.
People-pleasing is a learned behavior originating from childhood experiences and social conditioning. For example, children who receive praise and positive reinforcement for being helpful and obedient may learn that pleasing others is desirable behavior. In the right circumstances, going along with something is good; it is valid and leads to simplicity. However, it has poor outcomes for everyone when it becomes a chronic behavior.
When we constantly go along to get along or say “yes” to keep the peace, we inadvertently dismiss an essential part of ourselves, resulting in what is known as an 'arrested development.’ When a young part of self cannot develop the skills to set healthy relationship boundaries, we carry it into adulthood. It can impair one's ability to navigate simple conversations for fear of being disliked and ultimately lead to lost opportunities and unrealized potential.
Our people-pleaser part is a young self that internalizes the positive feeling of being praised by others. And when positive feelings are present, they make less desirable ones hard to tolerate. And if no one teaches us how to say "no" and still feel loved and cared for, we will take the path of least resistance every time. Think about the "carrot and stick" metaphor. When it comes to people-pleasing behaviors, the carrot represents an avoidance of anxiety at all costs because the stick is anxiety on steroids.
People-pleasing behavior can also be a symptom of internalized trauma, a coping mechanism that forms in childhood. For example, when parents cannot manage relational tension or conflict, a child often acts as the mediator or soothing mechanism. This child, in turn, becomes wired to prioritize peacekeeping, as it provides temporary relief from tension and discomfort. The initial rewards of this behavior seem promising. However, they can lead to long-term consequences that are not immediately apparent, potentially significantly impairing our relationships and sense of self.
With a unique perspective, systemic therapists, like marriage and family therapists, illuminate the issue of people-pleasing behavior through a holistic lens. They view it as part of a larger, more intricate picture that often remains unseen until it affects essential relationships in a client's personal or professional life. By looking at how the behavior came to dominate, we can help our clients develop skills that better protect them from the slippery slope of going along with things to make others happy and avoid discomfort by saying “no.”
When a young part of self cannot develop the skills needed to set healthy boundaries in relationships, it continues to operate this way into adulthood. The lack of healthy boundary development can impair one's ability to navigate simple conversations for fear of being disliked, leading to lost opportunities and unrealized potential.
Saying "yes" to something when you want to say "no" or being agreeable with opinions that make you bristle is a disservice to yourself and puts you at risk of burnout, anxiety, and depression. The people-pleasing part is not protecting us from the discomfort of anxiety; it just kicks the can down the road by allowing us to stockpile our unspoken "nos" until we either implode, causing self-destruction, or explode and project our stored resentments onto the wrong people.
To overcome your people-pleaser, you must understand the narrative that created this part of you while remembering it is just one part, a young part prevented from getting the traction needed to set boundaries. Still, you can learn new skills by working with a marriage and family therapist. Here are some tips to consider when the inner people-pleaser takes over.
- Learning to Let People Down and Be Okay with the Outcome
Imagine this: your friend asks you to help move this weekend. You've already planned a self-care day. Your inner people-pleaser wants to cancel on yourself for fear of letting your friend down. Instead, offer an alternative solution that does not involve canceling your self-care day. For example, you can say: "I've got plans this weekend, but here's the number of a great moving company." You've said “no,” offered a solution, and kept your self-care intact. It is okay to say “no” to protect your self-care needs. Other people’s expectations belong to them. We are not required to fulfill them. Remember what Murray Bowen taught us about differentiation. “We are responsible “to” others, not “for” them.”
- Learn to Say “No”
"No" can be gentle yet firm, and for people-pleasers, it comes with anxiety and guilt. However, you can harness this skill by reminding yourself that saying “no" is setting a limit intended to protect you from over-extending yourself for the sake of others. For instance, when your boss asks you to work late for the umpteenth time this month, instead of the knee-jerk "yes," try, "I understand the urgency, but I've committed to work-life balance. Can we find a solution that respects our time outside work?" This approach respects both parties and sets a precedent for future interactions.
- Boundary Setting in Action
Boundaries are like your personal force field. Their purpose is to protect your emotional energy. However, they are invisible and can be hard to implement for those who find it hard to say “no” to others. Here is what it looks like in action. Let's say a relative has a habit of calling late at night to vent. You value your sleep, so you say, "I care about you and want to support you, but I can't take calls after 9 PM. Let's find a time earlier in the day to connect." This way, you're not just setting a boundary but also offering an alternative that respects your well-being.
- Communicated Your Needs Clearly
The silent treatment never works. In fact, it breeds negativity that leads to contempt and resentment. Being clear and specific with others about your needs will help you avoid these adverse outcomes. For example, if you're always picking up extra shifts at work, and it's burning you out, sit down with your manager. Use "I" statements to communicate your need from a place of non-defensiveness. You can say, "I've noticed I'm often the go-to for extra shifts, which I'm happy to help occasionally. However, I need this to be more balanced with the team for my well-being." This conversation opens the door to change and shows you're proactive about finding solutions.
- Practice Self-Care
Self-care is also setting boundaries with yourself. Say you're a chronic over-committer. The next time you're about to say "yes" to yet another commitment, pause. Ask yourself, "Is this something I genuinely want to do, or am I afraid of disappointing someone?" If it is the latter, it's time to practice self-care by declining. Leading with “no” will help you save your “yes” for something that meets your needs rather than the needs of others, which is a new skill for people-pleasers.
- Celebrating the "No"
When you notice yourself saying "no" to something that you would typically say “yes” to, do something to celebrate – it can be as simple as treating yourself to a coffee or taking yourself out for lunch. These celebrations reinforce positive behavior, making it easier to say "no" in the future.
Remember, you're not responsible for how others react to your newfound "no." If someone is upset because you're taking care of yourself, that belongs to them, not you. Your responsibility is to your well-being. Lasting change takes time, and talking to a marriage and family therapist can help you further clarify and define the changes you want to make to heal and overcome the people-pleaser part that keeps you from setting healthy limits with yourself and others.