What Is It?
As a marriage and family therapist and AAMFT-approved supervisor, I often discuss imposter syndrome with clients and students who experience feelings of doubt about themselves and their abilities around achievement. Initially, it presents as anxiety, which is an accurate assessment of the physiological response to feeling out of sorts with something. Our mind tells us a story in which we question our skills and abilities to succeed at something. For example, we may tell ourselves that our boss made a serious mistake giving us a promotion, even though it is the consequence of our competence.
A significant gap exists between our inner and outer selves, making it difficult to assess and connect with our accomplishments properly. Imposter syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which our internal feelings do not align with the external narrative, and it can cause great distress to one’s ability to feel confident and calm.
How Does it Show Up?
When our clients are grappling with perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing, self-doubt and self-sabotage, they are experiencing imposter syndrome. As systemic therapists, we know that problems do not happen in a vacuum. The perfectionist for example is also a procrastinator and vice versa. These behaviors share a relationship with one another and here is how these behaviors show up as imposter syndrome.
- Perfectionism: Striving for perfection is a slippery slope precisely because it is not fully attainable. Perfectionistic traits like “all or nothing” thinking or focusing only on the outcome and not the process, create roadblocks that will keep us questioning our self-worth. The belief that “it has to be perfect” perpetuates chronic doubt and dissatisfaction with one’s accomplishments, and our imposter will always feel like a fraud.
- Procrastination: Ah, our old friend procrastination. Also known as the thief of time. Our imposter syndrome gets amplified when we delay doing what we know will get us to the finish line. It is paralytic. Our inner critic unconsciously tells us we can’t do it or that it won’t be perfect, and such thoughts create a never-ending feedback loop that supports our belief that we are incompetent in a particular area.
- People Pleasing: Typically, people-pleasing develops in childhood when the reward for being a helper gets positive reinforcement. But the people pleaser grows up not knowing how to say no to others. After all, they are constantly rewarded with positive feedback about how reliable or generous they are when really, they may be harboring resentment toward others who lean on them too hard.
- Self-Doubt and Self-Sabotage: The doubter part of the self is an inner critic, who has low self-esteem when it comes to knowing their worth. When we don’t know our value, we can easily shrink ourselves to make others happy. And in doing so, we do ourselves a disservice. Our fear of not feeling competent undermines our ability to achieve our goals.
Coping Strategies
If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. It is estimated that 70% of us will experience at least one episode of imposter syndrome at some point in our lives. With that in mind, many of us will suffer more than one episode of it. So, how do you do to overcome the negative effects of imposter syndrome?
To begin with, you need to understand the story your mind tells you while also realizing your body provides important clues. When we feel anxious or stressed, which we do when the imposter is alive and well, our body produces more cortisol. When that happens, positive self-talk will only provide you with a band-aid solution. Our core beliefs are often unconscious and need a deeper evaluation before making a lasting change.
Here are some tips for coping with Imposter Syndrome:
- Know Your Story: It is essential to understand the story that feeds your imposter Somewhere along the way, we created a story about ourselves that stuck with us, and it is no longer helping us. As children, we absorb our environment like a sponge and can easily internalize a false narrative about who we are and what we can do. With a deeper understanding of what we internalize about ourselves, we can work to rewire it.
- Take a Neutral Stance with your Imposter Part: Consider what it would be like to engage in a neutral stance while navigating and recreating your narrative. By adopting a neutral position you can give yourself space to pause without judgment. To make sustainable changes to the thoughts and feelings that we hold about ourselves, we need to ensure that we do not overwhelm ourselves with uncomfortable emotions. Letting ourselves take a neutral stance provides a platform to stand on while we work to rewire our negative thoughts about ourselves.
- Develop Your Compassion: Being curious with or about yourself is one of the most effective ways to develop your compassion. Curiosity removes judgment which opens the door to compassionate thinking. Self-compassion asks us to be kind to ourselves and when we engage in the practice of compassion, we change our neuroplasticity for the better. Being kind to ourselves can tame and rewire negative thoughts that keep us from connecting to our competencies.
- Seek Therapy: One of the best ways to cope with imposter syndrome is through therapy. A marriage and family therapist can be a wonderful resource to you by providing a safe and holistic approach to unpacking, processing, and reorganizing your story to better support a narrative that keeps our imposter part from taking over. AAMFT’s therapist locator is a wonderful way to find a systemic therapist.